Hello. Long time never update my blog already because recently have been really down and depressed.
Forget when it started. Perhaps since Jan or Feb? It has been almost 3 months. 3 months ago, nothing happened, perhaps the most subtle changes is the change of boyfriend. Yeah, although there is nothing to be proud of, I changed my boyfriend.
If you ask me why i feel so depressed, the honest answer is I don’t know. I seem to have problem even in my daily life. My mood fluctuated very badly, get irritated very quickly and feeling low all the time.
It is just the starting. Soon enough, my insomnia became worse, I could not fall into sleep at night and even I fall asleep, I will wake up multiple times in the middle of the night.
I get palpitations and anxiety symptoms, panicky all the while.
At the same time, my memory is getting very bad to the extent that I cannot even remember simple details of my daily life, cannot find my things and in the middle of driving, cannot remember where I wanted to go.
As a medical student, stress might be the no. 1 factor causing all these and the more I cannot remember facts, the more stress I become.
Life become a complete darkness to me. Swirling into a complete dark hole and cannot get out of it.
Luckily, there are someone there for me. I shall not name who are they but I am lucky enough to have them to catch me when I fall.
Started with deep breathing relaxation and some other relaxation method. Getting my life back in order. It is not easy. There are times when I feel like giving up because nothing seems to work. Until today, I will not say my life is in order as before but there are improvements.
Although my memory remains poor, concentration span remains poor and so on, I try to be positive as much as I can. I don’t know how to become positive all the time but I constantly remind myself to become positive. I see no hope in life but I am trying to find my hope to live. I don’t know what else I can do because it seems that I did all I can but I am still the same.
“What do you do when you keep trying but nothing seems to work?” She asked.
“Give up”. I answered.
“You change your way of trying.” She said.
Lesson of the day
You change yourself because the situation will never change for you and time will change for the better when you change.